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Thursday, November 18th, 2010
2:45 am - just me

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Saturday, January 27th, 2007
2:27 pm - repost from my LJ

It is a multifaceted beast, one that craves attention, yet wants to be free of laws.
For some it is a mystery, an elusive monster needing to be tamed.
For some it can become broken in, and taken for granted.
For some an experience that fades to be found anew in another beast.
Some a master that knows no limits, a cause, a purpose, a meaning to the dread we call life.
To be in the glow of the beast grants power, to be in it's shadow rips at your soul.
For those that wish to hunt this beast be warned once captured, you way of life will never be the same.
Yet we all must hunt it, because to never see this beast first hand, is to only live a fools visions of it...


current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, November 26th, 2005
2:18 am
drug_disaster Please, read my Lj.

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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
1:12 am - Eternal

The light flickers and in another moment, the dimness of the world encompasses me. The artifical glow of street lamps and house lights yield no comfort. I am alone. The winds screech, beings lost in this fast paced, uncaring world. Carbon clouds settle comfortably around the moon, shielding its guiding light. I am lost.

The streets are filled with throngs of people, faceless strangers, people that are not worth knowing. Everyone is the same; he is concerned with only himself, his pleasure and nothing more. It didn't realized until countless nights had passed, where I had fed those until they became satiatiated and had gotten nothing in return. Or had I? Had I sucked their souls clean until they became nothing more than weak whisps or angry cyclones depending upon their determination to reclaim their lives? Is this why I feel empty?

I thirst more for that human sustanance causing my soul to become more tainted. Somehow I always yearn for more. Are there enough souls to quench this seemingly unsatiable taste for pain and suffering? I steal hearts just as the being that once owned it failed miserably to do... My sole goals consist of the conquer, the destruction and the search.

The endless darkness grows deeper and becomes engrained in each fiber. There are no more lights in this world I know. There is no such thing as trust nor good will... Yet another light flickers. Corruption or hope?

current mood: gloomy

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Saturday, December 4th, 2004
10:41 pm - Songs of power

Compose a Song of power,
And the world will play it a dirge-

Conduct a symphony for spirits to wail,
and the world will hear it silent-

weave notes that bear no meaning but yours,
and the world will take them and them its own-

Touch not your heartsrings,
for the world will pluck them down-

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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
3:53 am - Thoughts

"A dream, a quest, an obsession, a spell placed on my soul. No cure but the knife I hold, to carve out the pain I feel. Love unrequited yet unknown. A dreamer's folly."

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Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
5:02 pm

He murmured do you want to come in?
And I felt myself almost stumble
With a growing ache I clutched the door
Was this unforgivable
Or was it destined?

I shuttered beneath my skin
As we linger close to one another in the elevator
My pace was breaking fast
As I loitered on a dream
I know he wasn’t mine
As the minutes pressed, I close my eyes
and travel fast beyond those concepts
In hurried breath I drank him in
So close he was but my soul akin
I dreamt of love
And stole a breath of someone else’s reverie

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Sunday, June 13th, 2004
3:37 am - ....

Tears in the Rain,
Hiding the pain
the pain of missing you
and the things we used to do...

Is it better to loved and lost rather to never loved at all? to live in a tormented concept of what you do not know, or to know what you no longer have? To wait for love not knowing it's bliss, or to feel hollow for the bliss that once was?

Love : Chemical reaction to stimulate long term copulation to reproduce the species.

Love : To find one's soulmate, to complete the circle of life.

hello all I'm back, and hope to see Phalyn return again, a comunity on life support, with a father not yet wanting to pull the plug.

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Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
1:57 pm - Not dead yet...

Walking home in the rain. The bar had been too warm, the night is refreshing. Familiar cities are supposed to make the loneliness easier to handle, like the land knows you. Usually, I'd agree, but not tonight. As the lightning crackles in the distance, all I can think of is how far I have left to go and how heavy my feet suddenly feel. With everything I give a shit about so far away, the sky looms enormous above my head. As the rain falls faster, I try to summon up the old rage, fling a little spite at the world to lift myself up, but it's not there. Tonight, all things are cast aside, even my last reserve of hatred. I lift my gaze skyward once more, blinking away raindrops, half wishing one errant bolt would strike me where I stood. How long I stand here, I have no idea, but the feeling of vertiginous flight is overwhelming, as if I'm floating through physical memories not yet formed. I lower my eyes to find that the cigarette I had hardly noticed lighting has burned down to my fingers. With a heavy sigh, I continue the long walk home. Home, someplace I've yet to find, someplace I half hope I never reach, someplace I doubt exists.

Cities are supposed to know you. This one does well enough to leave well enough alone.

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Saturday, April 12th, 2003
2:35 pm - By request, part two...

Yeah, I've screwed with the color scheme. I think it works ok. Since a continuation was requested, I've written one, and there may yet be more, we'll see. This one's a bit longer.

Read more...Collapse )

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Friday, April 11th, 2003
11:00 am

thoughts through my head for something over two years... never got around and right now I just feel like writing and can't get this out of my head.

"Do you know him? No? Then why are you looking at him like that?"
I shrugged.
"He just looked familiar there for a moment. I'm probably wrong."
But I wasn't. I knew him, just like I knew so many people before I met them. I chuckle softly to myself and my friend looks over at me oddly. Most of them would never know that. My friend didn't realize that I had looked at him in a very similar matter when I first saw him. But it was different this time.
What were the choices that I had here? I could run, and never know who this was until the day he killed me. Or I could walk up, extend my hand and say hello, a pleasure to meet you. Look up into those eyes and say, oh, and by the way, did you know that you will eventually cause my death? Oh, sure, that wouldn't make someone run screaming into the night or anything. I could walk away very easily. I'd be quite content never knowing the manner or bringer of my death.
Sometimes, though, as you are mulling and stop paying attention to the situation at hand, the decision is made for you.

to much more that should go with this, blarg. Dreams are funny things.

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, April 10th, 2003
11:16 am - A Short

"You called me here for a reason."
The voice was far older than the speaker. In fact, the man who stood before her appeared to be in his mid-twenties, at most. But his voice, it held the weight of ages, sliding over her like a physical force of pain and rage and longing. It forced her to remember what he was. And that was a story in itself.
"So? I didn't come just to watch you daydream."
The scorn was mostly for show. But it snapped her back to the task at hand. She needed a guardian, but not just any one. Where she was going, she'd need something as potentially terrifying as that which threatened her. Which was why she needed him.
"You know I don't do protection anymore."
It was a reminder that he could read her. Not telepathy, but close enough. But it was also a reminder of what he was, the closely held anguish in that statement was enough. He'd failed once, long ago, and he'd never let himself forget, even after taking this form.
"If you're not going to speak, I'll go."
As he turned, she felt a pang of sadness for even calling him. Since he didn't need to pass as well here, he wore no shirt, and his bare back still held the scars of his self-reproach. Tattoos covered them in this human shape, but she knew that under them were the knots of the hate he'd felt when he cut off his own wings.
He stopped, not turning. The slight movement of his breathing betrayed the agony of his staying. And still, she knew he wouldn't deny her, even if he could have.
"I...I need you to come with me."
"I know. To see the Watcher, you need someone as hateful and as depraved as he is. Which is why you called me. Face it, your other guardians have grown too soft."
There was no masking the angry pride in his voice, but there was no reason to. He was right. But she could only force him so far.
"I know I can't make you go past the second gate, but will you help me?"
"If you're offering some sorry attempt at redemption, you know I don't want it."
She sighed as he stayed impassively furious where he was, the dismissing song on her lips...
"But yes, I'll come. There is no one else."
He sounded defeated, but he turned to look at her, the smoldering passion and fury behind his eyes, the remembrance of the last time he'd tried to protect instead of destroy. And perhaps, then, he was just the combination of monster and savior she needed.
"Thank you. Come, we need to go."

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Monday, March 31st, 2003
2:43 am - Tears in the Rain ... Screams in the thunder.

Rage unfocused.
Anger unjustified.
Hate swelling.
Sadness flowing.
Energy Draining.
Silence golden.

We are creatures caged in someone else's dream. It works for 80% of the population with no room for the 20%, unless your rich or can mold yourself into society. Emotion drives our very needs our true nature, it's a beast that needs to be fueled. A panther's growl held back by mortality's constraints. loose the beast and become a drone, loose the constraints and become a savage.

Chains tighten, knives cut, blood pools.

Oh damnation to do, yet damnation to refuse. Do the right thing follow the beast, but to do so makes you just another slave to a new master. There is no true free will, only an illusion to maintain sanity. You do what you want to do, only if you can book the time around your prison. Everyone is a slave, but who is your master, the Beast or Society?

Cheaper than therapy Book One.

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Sunday, March 9th, 2003
9:40 pm - Joint Effort- Volume 3

This is the best (in my opinion) and the longest of the three. We spent an hour and a half or so on this one. Long enough that I shall LJ-Cut this one.... We have edited this one togehter, taking out the IM names and such for more continuity. It just was better this way. You'll see why.

Read more...Collapse )

current mood: thoughtful

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9:35 pm - Joint Effort Volume 2

Part two in my writing endeavors with WingedNothing. My turn to start this time.

j4b3rw0x (8:20:57 PM): Though no one would ever believe it, he had always been a protector...
XPixieFeathersX (8:22:14 PM): somewhere in his heart, all he wanted was to be that knight in shiny armor on a white horse... on second thought, scratch the white horse. A rather large broad sword would be enough for him.
j4b3rw0x (8:23:34 PM): All he wanted was to feel that he could serve something greater than he.
XPixieFeathersX (8:24:48 PM): Unfortunatly, in this modern nest of apathy and small mindedness, it was hard to find anything worth fighting for.
j4b3rw0x (8:26:27 PM): And he was painfully aware of just how fine the line was that he walked, between his hope for worth and his contempt for the world around him.
XPixieFeathersX (8:28:10 PM): Herman Hesse would have dubbed him a Steppenwolf, a wolf of the steppes come to live amoung the middle class, fighting between his contempt for the bourguios attitudes that pervaded and his need to find a worth in that world.

j4b3rw0x (8:29:49 PM): But usually, he tried not to think, focusing his feelings, his instincts, on what was around him.
XPixieFeathersX (8:30:47 PM): Those intsints lead him to many a strange place indeed.
j4b3rw0x (8:31:29 PM): And, more than that, to strange people, people who both confounded and excited him.
XPixieFeathersX (8:34:13 PM): Sometimes the spiritual scent of a person is enough to make even the mundane sit up and pnder for a moment before going on with their busy little lives. And for someone like our wolf....
j4b3rw0x (8:35:20 PM): ...tt was like a call across a vast wilderness, maybe not even another wolf cry, but the shared voice was one that he had to answer.
XPixieFeathersX (8:37:22 PM): And so he ran, following that voice on the wind, that spiritual scent that drew him. Onward, onward away from known territory... just to find that voice.
j4b3rw0x (8:38:22 PM): And when he found it, he'd found that it belonged not to someone in need of protection, but someone who could feel the same ache for something more than the world as it was.
XPixieFeathersX (8:39:44 PM): No knight was needed this time. He could take off the armour that for so long had served a dual purpose.
j4b3rw0x (8:40:33 PM): His armor was protection and prison; here, he could be himself, free from fear of chasing away those he cared about.
XPixieFeathersX (8:41:03 PM): He couldn't chase her away.... after all, it was he who came to find her.
j4b3rw0x (8:41:54 PM): And, though he hated to test her so, he held nothing back. But neither did she. And because of that, he loved her.

(send an imp)

9:33 pm - Joint Efforts- Volume 1

So Walkabout and I decided on IM to write together, each of us taking a line. To start there are three of these joint efforts to share.... there may be more...

XPixieFeathersX (7:58:09 PM): Why is it that everytime I close my eyes....
j4b3rw0x (7:58:58 PM): ...I feel as if I'm falling in space, searching for someone?
XPixieFeathersX (7:59:31 PM): Probably because I am, I supose.
j4b3rw0x (8:00:39 PM): I have been for years, though I don't always realize it.
XPixieFeathersX (8:01:54 PM): It's like you don't always remember that hideous scar, until some child points and asks their mother why you are so ugly. It's easy to forget one is alone until reminded of it.
j4b3rw0x (8:03:34 PM): And even when you're not alone, you feel it, knawing inside you and making the world a little less colorful, the laughter a little less real, happiness just a little further away.
XPixieFeathersX (8:04:47 PM): Because alone is a relative term.
j4b3rw0x (8:05:56 PM): And sometimes it's not enough to just be with people; sometimes it has to be one person.
XPixieFeathersX (8:06:59 PM): I'm not talking soul mate here folks, just someone.... special, as corny as that may sound.
j4b3rw0x (8:08:24 PM): Someone to walk next to you, take you at face value, trust you to accept them without reservation.
XPixieFeathersX (8:09:13 PM): Someone you can fall on your ass in front of, and sure, they might laugh, but you know it will be with you, and not at you.
j4b3rw0x (8:11:00 PM): Someone you can flirt with and mean it and know that all the games and bullshit are left bahind when you look into each other's eyes.
XPixieFeathersX (8:11:40 PM): Maybe that's why I did it. No excuses, but I can't help but wonder how much the lonliness attributed....
j4b3rw0x (8:15:27 PM): ...but then, no excuse was ever needed with us. Apologies were for other people.

current mood: indescribable

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Saturday, March 8th, 2003
7:59 am

A friend of mine said that I have the power to raise an Oni with his name. For those of you who don't know the reference, it takes a Shugenja (wizard, magic user, wiseman, etc.) of considerable power to call an Oni (demon). And you can gain power over the Oni by giving it a name and linking it with a living person. That disturbs me.... and it's hard to explain why that distrubs me without sounding crazy. Some people who read this might understand, some more than others....

It smelled like blood and fire. Whoever said that demons smelled like brimstone didn't know what they were talking about. In fact, I wouldn't even know he was a demon if he hadn't just told me. Only the smell would have given it away, and not everyone can even smell it. If I kissed him right now it wouls taste the same, burning metals on my tongue. Memories stir and I stare up into eyes that were oh so red a moment before, but as he solidifies in this place they fade and soften into a far more human green. Cats' eyes are green, a man's eyes aren't. You know that a demon doesn't say thank you, it sounds far too mundane and yet spouting biblical nonsense isn't their style either. Just like everyone else in the spiritual world, this one seemed to be trying to shake of the stigma of what he was. Demons don't belong in polite, twenty-first century society. Though he's going to try.... and I invited him. Damn it. No, he says, it's too late for that. You have already damned yourself.

Hmm.... this may turn into more.... we shall see.

current mood: distressed

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Friday, March 7th, 2003
5:09 pm - Phalyn comes to life.

with my own life hitting a low note, I am happy to see Phalyn may rise from the ashes, to be honest i had forgotten about this wayward son until now.

alone in a sea of friends
sad in a room of joy
joyful in a room of sad
friends with a sea of loneliness


"No man is a failure who has friends"
-It's a Wonderful Life
"It's better to Burn out than to fade away"

current mood: melancholy

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12:38 pm

Wow, one person posts and I suddenly remember that this group exists. No poetry today, not that I feel like typing anyway, but a random jumble of impressions that resemble thought. I blame sleeplessness.

There comes a point, sitting in the darkness alone, where time ceases to mean anything. Deadlines are years away, and suddenly the shadows seem familiar, like they're the same old companions from nights long past filled with regret and that sad, furious despair. Nothing happens now, but the wakefullness now that the spirit is no longer fully strong is harder to bear, and the urge to sleep and dream and forget is so strong. Instead, I stare at the screen, trying to remember why it is I feel this, and when it was I first felt it, and why it is my eyes sting with tears for the person I used to be.

Maybe I'm just getting too old for this all-nighter shit. Or maybe I've got too much to do these days without really accomplishing anything. Or maybe, in those younger nights, I gave so much that now I have so little left when I need it. Maybe.

Maybe, I can learn to get it back.

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10:15 am - Amazed

I think that it is utterly amazing that I manage to find this little community and lo and behold, one of my friends is already a member. ::shrug::

Darkness. Nightmares are one thing, but daymares just shouldn't be. They don't play by the rules. When the sun rises you are safe. Once the alarm rings in the morning you are protected until you turn the lights off again and reset the infernal little beeping machine. There is nothing to save you from a daymare, no alarm clock to snap you out of it. Nothing to take your mind off of the terror and tremors. There comes a point where all of the self control and tears will not push the terror back into the darkness.A point where it spills out into the rest of your life. What is worse, is knowing why. Why you have the nightmares and why you have the daymares.... but until now you were able to keep them in the dark were they belong. What do you do when the dreams become more of a reality than you are? Where is that line where this life and that one meet and mix? Are we really here, or are we in someone elses dream. I don't know. But if we are.... can I be your dream?

sorry, but I try to write somethine, anything everyday, and I decided to type it here instead of into my silly little book :)

So, hello everyone, I'm new.

current mood: thoughtful

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